Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
