All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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