So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
