i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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