someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
