You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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