Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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