I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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