I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
