Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
