Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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