we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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