Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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