I'm lost and stupid without you.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
