Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
