The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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