theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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