I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
