sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
