If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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