i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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