I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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