I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
