I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
