Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
