Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
