I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
