I am puke
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
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There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
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It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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