if i can run in heels then i can drive
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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