I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
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He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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