He asked to "fluff my boner.."
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Randomize
