now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
