Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
