i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
A bitchslap is in order.
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