Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
