Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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