Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
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