Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
