he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
