I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
