Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
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it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
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I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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