i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
