Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
