I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
