Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Your shirt... Was in my pants
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
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