I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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