Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
