This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
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