I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
