Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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