your parents love me but you hate me
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Randomize
