im having a threesome with these popsicles
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
