I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
