I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
