All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I think pants incapable of making pants work
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
