You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
