worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
