My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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