And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
