the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
my being single is dangerous.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
