just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
