did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
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