Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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